Entertaining The Munchkins

Well, you finally have seemed decent (albeit interim Court-ordered) contact with your children...but there is a downside...you now have to feed them, clothe them and, most importantly, entertain them! How on earth are you going to afford that, as most of your income goes straight to the Evil Queen?! (See my previous post on Spousal Maintenance).

There are times in our house (with six kids and two adults) when it almost feels like we are living like Hansel and Gretel, and the option of abandoning them in the Woods becomes an increasingly positive proposition. However, the little buggers would probably just use the GPS on their mobile phones to find their way home!

So, while the Munchkins are munching on their homemade pizza (made with Yellow Sticker mozzarella and accompanied by Yellow Sticker garlic bread), you trawl through the internet looking for inspiration for cheap (or even better, free!) days out.

For those of you who live in other countries (or are just unfamiliar with the Yellow Sticker....in which case you probably shop at Waitrose!), let me enlighten you. The Yellow Sticker is the Holy Grail for scrimpers, savers...and the families who are being bled dry by the Evil Queen! It is where the supermarkets reduced their nearly out-of-date items to pennies...and you end up with a freezer full of stuff you 'might' use!

And how do you reach this Holy Grail?! Firstly, you have to time your supermarket visit to perfection (This is the moment that the Evil Queen's Magic Mirror would come in useful!). There are websites and communities devoted to identifying the optimal Yellow Sticker times! This is usually an hour or so before closing time for the optimal bargains.

Once you have done this, your quest has begun! You find yourself loitering in the fresh food and bread aisles with millions of others who all have the same intention; all of you eyeing each other nervously! There are even some chancers who have put already reduced items in their baskets who are planning to attempt to get them reduced even further!

Then it happens...the poor old minimum wage Tesco worker arrives with his trolley full of treasures, and it's as if the Wicked Witch of the West has released her troop of flying monkeys! In the melee that ensues arms and elbows are flying...there is even the odd bit of hair-pulling...and, in seconds, the trolley is empty. The victors hurry off to the checkout with their spoils, whilst the others nurse their bruises!

I have to admit that I have managed to grab a few bargains over the last few weeks including packs of four muffins for 2p each...and my greatest victory to date - a joint of beef reduced from £13.00 to 62p!

Anyway, I digress (again!). Back to our quest for that family day out. So there's the local theme park, right? Hell no! A quick visit to the Alton Towers website reveals that this will cost us just shy of the princely sum of £340 for the day...minus food and the obligatory souvenirs...and whilst I appreciate this is cheaper if we book in advance, we have to bear in mind that the Evil Queen can (and has!) withdraw contact at any point.

So there is the cinema...this comes in at a slightly more reasonable £76.52 (excluding snacks and drinks, remember!). However, it is worth remembering that this is only for two hours of entertainment..£40 an hour! It's now becoming painfully clear that the recent article in the Mirror, claiming that parents will spend a total of £6.2 billion over the summer holidays is (surprisingly enough for the Mirror) very accurate.

More searching of Google (This time adding the word 'Free'!) and we discover that our local castle ruins is having a free Medieval Open Day. The ironic thing is that neither of us had realised that these local castle ruins existed...despite the fact that the whole area has 'Castle' in its name! However, this is the one for us!

The Wicked Stepmother toddles off to Tesco to stock up on drinks and snacks (and returns very excited at having snagged some Yellow Sticker sausage rolls at half price!) whilst Prince Charming gets the Munchkins ready. The picnic is packed (including the Everyday Value multipack of crisps which everyone refuses to eat normally, unless there is nothing else left, in which case they are devoured at a rate of knots!) and the Munchkins are loaded into the cars. Of course, there is the odd protest at the fact there will be no Wi-Fi at the castle so they are not allowed to bring their tablets! You will be outdoorsy kids, damn you!

We arrive in convoy to be greeted by the usual History Geeks dressed in period costume, who set the Munckins their first quest of collecting symbols from the castle ruins. Great! This should buy us some time to sit down and relax. Wrong! This is completed in record time, and the kids have already claimed their prizes...Gummy Worms!

So we traipse around the ruins of the castle (which incidentally appear to be no bigger than our house! I presume that 'blended' families were not the norm in those days!), learning about the history of the castle, the jobs people had and the food that they ate. We are even given a recipe book to try out the recipes for ourselves (I wonder if I can get the ingredients on a Yellow Sticker?!), and Prince Charming is quite interested in the idea of making his own beer!

Then the piece de resistance...a battle! Not just any battle, however. The Munchkins, along with the other fifty kids, are given polystyrene swords and encouraged to stab and batter the hell out of each other! No head shots allowed, however! I sit with my eyes closed and wait for the wailing to start...however, it seems that swordsmanship comes naturally to our brood!

Worn out from their exertions, they return to devour the aforementioned picnic and copious Capri-Suns (also on offer in Tesco!). Whoever thought that Capri-Suns were a good idea?! Let's put sticky liquid in a pouch and give them to small children who think it's more amusing to squirt it everywhere!

Now, with the food all gone, the Munchkins are bored! The Wicked Stepmother spots some blackberries in the bushes and sends them off (Bear Grylls style), armed with the leftover trays from the Yellow Sticker sausage rolls, to pick them. Half an hour later, they return...with very few blackberries but with plenty of the juice now staining their clothes!

Unfortunately it begins to rain, so we pack up and head home.

Are the Munchkins happy? Yes! A good (and free!) day out was had by all...and we are left feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that, should we abandon the Munchkins (Hansel and Gretel style!) , they will be able to forage for food for themselves...rather than using my debit card to place an order on Amazon!

It's not about the amount you spend on entertaining the kids, but the memories that are created.

 

 

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